The Ten Rules of Writing

Or, How To Write a Novel Without Losing Your Mind

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Come on! It can’t be that hard. I mean, go and stand in a library or a big box bookstore and look around. Tons of people have done it, and are doing it! They’re doing it while you’re staring at your blank computer screen, overthinking everything.

What am I talking about?

Writing a novel.

Okay. Sure, it’s a daunting task, but it’s completely doable. All you need to focus on are the “Ten Rules of Writing.” Follow them religiously, and you’ll have a first draft in your hands before you can say INFINITE JEST!

So, without further ado, here you go. You can thank me later.

ONE — Ensure that you have plenty of good coffee on hand, and by good, I mean good — none of that MGB or Nabob crap. This may well be the most important rule.

TWO — If you don’t have a dog or a cat, borrow one. Dogs and cats are comforting to have around you when you write. Also, they will eat all the food that you will inevitably drop on the floor when you are binge-eating/writing, because that’s gonna happen. A lot.

THREE — If, after four days, you haven’t ventured outside, go and buy some milk from the corner store. Wait. Are corner stores still a thing? Never mind. Just go and…